I am scattered everywhere. A different task from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute even, and uncertainty rings true.
What happens to my body during that uncertainty? I want. I crave.
Not really my body. Maybe my mind, maybe my tongue, maybe my thoughts seeking to be distracted.
There’s the key. Seeking to be.
I can’t seek to be.
I can only be.
The endless seeking is a distraction from being.
In the past I would purge the uncertainty away. Not so good at being in the hard feelings. I wanted to fix it.
The thought comes to mind and sensation that comes to body…
Need a fix.
A fix. Interesting word choice.
A fix — weed.
A fix — booze.
A fix — vomiting.
A fix — self deprivation.
A fix — a excruciating run in the icy cold.
A fix — the ding of a text.
A fix — a zillion likes on a sexy pic.
A fix — pizza and dr pepper.
A fix — the burn and pain of muscles from exercising to exhaustion.
A fix — the rush that comes from being good by getting rid of the bad foods.
A fix — coffee rushing into my blood like jet fuel.
A fix — forcing myself to do a yoga set just so I feel accomplished.
A fix — valium.
A fix — telling myself the most hateful words.
A fix — feeling the bad shit — now that’s a true fix. The kind that really does allow transformation to a fixed state of being and state of mind.
A fix — meditation.
A fix — prayer.
A fix — love.
A fix — love of me.
A fix — God.
A fix — seeing all of God’s goodness in me.
The fix is only found in the stillness of my heart. Not when I am seeking. Only being fully present in my body, in this particular space and time, heart, mind, soul, all aligned with the love only God can bring.