A Fix

I am scattered everywhere. A different task from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute even, and uncertainty rings true.  

What happens to my body during that uncertainty?  I want.  I crave.  

Not really my body. Maybe my mind, maybe my tongue, maybe my thoughts seeking to be distracted.  

There’s the key.  Seeking to be.  

I can’t seek to be.  

I can only be.

The endless seeking is a distraction from being.

In the past I would purge the uncertainty away.   Not so good at being in the hard feelings. I wanted to fix it.

The thought comes to mind and sensation that comes to body…

Need a fix.

A fix.  Interesting word choice.

A fix —  weed.  

A fix —  booze.  

A fix — vomiting.  

A fix — self deprivation.

A fix —  a excruciating run in the icy cold.  

A fix — the ding of a text.   

A fix — a zillion likes on a sexy pic.  

A fix — pizza and dr pepper.  

A fix —  the burn and pain of muscles from exercising to exhaustion.  

A fix —  the rush that comes from being good by getting rid of the bad foods.  

A fix —  coffee rushing into my blood like jet fuel.  

A fix — forcing myself to do a yoga set just so I feel accomplished.  

A fix — valium.

A fix — telling myself the most hateful words.  

A fix — feeling the bad shit — now that’s a true fix.  The kind that really does allow transformation to a fixed state of being and state of mind.  

A fix —  meditation.

A fix — prayer.

A fix — love.

A fix — love of me.

A fix — God.

A fix — seeing all of God’s goodness in me.
The fix is only found in the stillness of my heart.  Not when I am seeking.  Only being fully present in my body, in this particular space and time, heart, mind, soul, all aligned with the love only God can bring.